When is The Time to Share Your Struggles, Your Story!

When I was in High School, I met The most handsome guy!

 I knew when I first saw him I was going to Marry him and have his children. And guess what!? I did…lol

 

But, now that I look back on it.

I kinda wish I hadn’t.   Now don’t get me wrong.

I love the hell out of him.    It’s just that I almost lost my life a few times.  After he passed away.  You know how people tend to  think back on   their lives,  connecting each event to another?  Sorta like a ripple effect.   You know what I mean?

So that’s what I mean.  I just feel like if I had not been his wife,

then I would not have gotten remarried, and dam near lost my life a few times, from being with that fool.  Sure would not have suffered from depression, to the degree that I did.

The man I  remarried, is a very nice man to other people.

The thing about it, I knew him before we got married.   He was a friend of my husband and the family.  A very close friend.   He was like a brother to them.

To be honest, a had a tiny really tiny crush on him, before I even met my husband.  But, I never let it be known.

I truly think, that is why I got re-married.  He was a friend of the family and I thought I was in good hands.

Besides the fact that I was scared to be by myself.

And raise these 2 kids.

You see I moved in with my husband right after we had our first son.

We were only 18 & 20 years old.  He straight from his parents house and me from mines.

So I never experienced life on my own with 2 small children.  After my husband died, I stayed in the bed for a week, no food now water, I just laid there.  I do believe a piece of me died with him.

I kept looking to the doorway of my room. for him to come bending down, and walking right in.  But, it never happened.

My phone rang non stop, people calling to check on me.  But, I would not answer the door. Or the phone.  I was so checked out.

I got fired from my job the following year, because I could not keep going to that hospital and work, knowing he had dies right up stairs in ICU.

So one night I had planned, for me, my cuz, and my brother in law, and husband X, to meet up and this bar.  Nobody showed up, but me and husband X.

We had a great time talking and catching up on old times.  You see, he had spent most if not all of his 20’s in jail.  I had not seen him in a long time.  He did not like the same person.  He was very cute. Attract and now he had some meat on his bones.  lol  Yes he was very skinny back when we in our teens.  So I basically had him an years.  Since High School.

I really thought I had made the right decision in getting with him.  Since he know the family, I really thought he would be there for the family.  Be there for my boys and help them turn into upstanding young men.

Wrong!   Wrong Wrong

He was all

Boy was I wrong.  He turned out to be a jerk (Narcissist), a real live walking, shit talking, Chucky doll. But, much more evil than the original.  It I am being kind.  Boy I still get mad just a tad bit when I think about it.

Guess I am not as healed as I thought I was!

He started to cheating on my from day 1.

But, then apart of me feels like I deserve what I got, because I knew he cheated, and I opted to stay with him.

Wow!  smh

But, I an sane, and I know nobody deserves to be hit!  And that is a fact.  Now, I am not going to sit here and say I was the best wife, because I was not, not by a long shot.

But, I did not going around beating people up neither.

Have you ever laid in bed and just wondered what would you be doing right now, if you had not known or someone or did something?

As you can see I have given it much thought. I don’t talk about it, so much now. But some friends are telling me its time I do and put it to bed.

I give them the ole side eye. You know when you twist you heard a little and look at them like they crazy!

Yea that look. Like girl if you don’t go somewhere. Lol

Well I feel that knot in my throat like I’m about to cry……

So, for now, I’m going to stop right here.  But I am determined to get this out.  So join me later, as I continue to tell of my struggle.

And I’m sure certain people gonna get mad for me telling my struggle, but I don’t care.

It’s my life, and my business.  They had nothing to say when it was going on, so don’t say nothing now.

If you have friends that want you to put your struggle to rest, can you drop a little bit about your struggle and how did you get over it.

What worked for you?

Tell me where you from, and how long did you hold on to it?

Well that’s enough for me right now. Tune in with me as I share a little of my story, and who I am.

There is so much more to this Blogger.  I haven’t even scratched the surface.

If I get enough feedback, maybe I will do a live presentation.

 I hear its supposed to be the best therapy.

Well that is it for now.  I do want to thank you for lending me your eyes and reading what I had to say.

If you ever want to talk, or want to write to me to vent please feel free to write to me anytime.

Talk soon,

Shana aka Shabinar

 

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